Ashton Claire's Life in Deadwood

As I write this evening, I am completely baffled at the workings of the human mind. A number of things have happened since I last wrote. It seems Cupid has made his appearance in Deadwood as of late. I was informed of the recent engagement of Mr. Landar to a lady by the name of Lillian of whom I have not made acquaintance with. From what I am told, she is quite the beauty and Mr. Landar seems genuinely proud of her. I wished him every happiness even though I don't believe that marriage brings it to most people. I think of my own parents and how their marriage was at one point happy but then grew into this ..arrangement...almost like a business arrangement after many years. I also think of my sisters marriages.....they too are also arrangements....some sort of security in my sisters' minds and of course some type of honorable, natural course of life for their husbands, whom I am sure frequent the local houses of ill repute where they both live. It seems this town is starting to have social events...or something of that nature...Mr. Runningbear and Miss Bertrand have decided to sponsor a bake off with the two town drunks! How amusing! I had suggested to Mr. Runningbear to have the loser dance at the Bella in a dress. He seemed to love the idea! I, of course, would have a spread of food and refreshment laid out made with only ingredients from the general store of which they are proprietors. I almost certain it will help drum up some business for Mr. Starsmith and we do have one of the only pianos in town. This should definitely prove most amusing. I was also asked by Mr. Runningbear to be one of the judges. I am in much agreement with Miss Fran when she says that the two should thoroughly sterilize their hands before baking. Speaking of the those two, it seems that they have somehow misunderstood Miss Mah's Christian concern for human beings as a romantic interest in Ol' Twinkle Toes! It has disturbed Miss Mah so much, she convulses or faints whenever it is brought up. I can't say that I blame her. How brazen of those fools to think that a lady of Mah's stature, would even be remotely interested in a drunken sod! The other evening, I joined the red-headed girl working at the Cricket at shooting glass bottles on the street! What has come over me?? I have also heard on one occasion, her mention of being hungry so, I snuck into the Cricket this afternoon when no one was there and left a pie on the counter. I can't stand the thought of those girls not eating....or anyone not eating. I went through periods of no food during the war....that ache in my stomach is something I wish on no one! I am also most excited that we now have three dancing girls working at the Bella! One is a Miss Eloise. I have met her a couple of times...she used to help the Widow Kuhr at her laundry tent. The most recent is a girl by the name of Justine of which I haven't met yet. The other is a Miss Mabel....she is a sweet girl and very pretty too. She and I seem to enjoy each other's company and I think I may have found a good friend in her. She seems to be having romantic troubles with the juggling man on the unicycle that plays harmonica and blows fire out of his mouth by the name of William. Seems this fella has a wondering eye like most men no less. It hurts me to see women having to suffer under the so-called dominant sex. I have found little use for men....other than to pay me my wages and lift heavy objects. I have only met one man in my life that ever proved me wrong about the ways of menfolk.....but it was only temporary proof. When Cole returned to his wife, I do have to admit, as much as I don't want to, he never took liberties with me other than that one and only kiss. I also have to admit...that kissed stirred something in me more powerful than any other physical action he might have tried. Oh but I must get that man out of my head.....it is so hard, especially what with all the talk of marriage lately. I have found myself indulging in spirits more and more....I even stooped as to buy some corn liquor that the two town drunks distill in their filthy cabin. What has come over me? I have even took to swearing on occasion....this place....it's people......I have noticed I am not the same timid, well mannered, hopeful young woman I used to be. That girl left when Cole walked out of my door and in her place.....this person of which I don't know who she is. Sometimes, I catch a glimpse of her.....when I hear a song on the piano at the saloon...or in quiet moments of reverie. No, here I can not be that girl anymore....here I must survive and I must do it alone.